Romantic Matches and Type
January 25, 2011
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Posted by admin
Of course it is true that type alone does not in itself determine if two people make a good match. Far from it. The systems detailed here are the ones that have been observed and postulated by professionals in the field.
I have heard some people say that they don’t think of Jungian typology as a very good evaluator of romantic potential for a given match. And while it’s true that there are many areas of a relationship that cannot be examined via the Jungian typology I can tell you for certain that there are some patterns out there which the Jungian typology makes it very easy for you to grasp. In this article I will present three matchmaking models that will outline these patterns so that you can easily recognize them yourself.
First off, before we start I’d like to take a moment to voice a word of warning: I know that there are several double-Introvert couples out there who are convinced that Introverts belong together. I am going to contradict you on this one and some you are probably going to be appalled by what I have to say. So if you know this is a sore spot for you, I recommend that you pick another article rather than I force anything upon you.
After having ploughed through dozens of psychology books and case studies, and having been witness to a good deal of relationship trajectories as well, it is my clear-cut impression that there exists a natural attraction between Introverts and Extroverts and that the day-to-day dynamics of any relationship are at their best when the relationship features this Introvert-Extrovert split. But while attraction will get the relationship off to a good start, attraction does not forge a good relationship in and of itself.
As far as long-term potential goes, the most important aspect of a relationship is simply that both members of the couple are “seeing things the same way” or “coming from the same place”. When translated into Jungian typology language that means that S or N should be the same both members of the couple. The rationale here is that in a romantic relationship a Sensate and an Intuitive will all too often end up differing over simple everyday occurrences whereas people who share an S or an N might not always agree, but at least they will see things the same largely the same way and understand where their partner is coming from.
Thus when looking at romantic relationships through the Jungian typology, opposing Extroversion and Introversion and shared Sensing or Intuition are the two principal prerequisites for a happy romantic relationship. – Well that and Champagne 
Personalitypage’s Model
The first model we’re going to look into is derived from the excellent material over at Personality Page. If you are new to Jungian typology, or simply want to get underneath the skin of a certain type, I can highly recommend their material. Especially the “personal growth” subpages should come in handy for the in-depth study of any given type.
The people at Personality Page match types according to each type’s dominant function. If you don’t know the concept of dominant functions already, this site provides explanation of the dominant functions which I recommend that you look into at some point in order to familiarize yourself further with the idea.
Personality Page’s Formula
The dominant function should be shared by both members of the couple. But functions must be oppositely directed, that is, Dominant Extroverted Thinking wants Dominant Introverted Thinking etc. This allows for two ideal matches pr. type.
Personality Page’s Results
ExTJ and IxTP (Dominant Thinking)
ExFJ and IxFP (Dominant Feeling)
ENxP and INxJ (Dominant Intuition)
ESxP and ISxJ (Dominant Sensing)
If you are not in the habit of seeing x’s in Jungian types, an x simply means that x can be either letter on that particular dimension. So according to the above formula an ENFP could pair up with either an INTJ or an INFJ and similarly an ISTP could have either an ENTJ or an ESTJ.
This model has its daring points: Most notably, can a relationship that overarches the Sensing/Intuitive chasm remain happy in the long run? – And are the heartfelt ideals and subjective meanings of Introverted Feeling (IxFP) really the best match for the always socially proper and popular attitude of Extroverted Feeling (ExFJ)? Unfortunately, I cannot offer you an easy yes or no. These are the weak points of an otherwise excellent model.
Now let’s look at a model that has a different take on these weak points.
Keirsey’s Model
The next model which we’re going to look into was coined by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates in their 1978 book, Please Understand Me. The book was an amazing success in its time, having sold nearly 2 million copies at the close of the 20th century. Most people who are seriously interested in the Jungian typology have read this book or its rewrite, Please Understand Me II, at one point or another, and a lot of Keirsey’s notions and ideas are floating around the net where they are used interchangeably with the classic Jungian typology conceptions. As similar as these two systems might seem, however, there is a minor difference between the two that most people are not aware of which means that the two systems only have about 75% compatibility.
That’s because the theoretical basis of Jungian typology is Jungian type functions whereas the theoretical basis of Keirsey’s matchmaking is the theory of temperament. As coined by Keirsey, the temperament theory holds that two dimensions of any given type will essentially determine the core of one’s personality and essentially supersede the other two. These letters are SP (Artisan Temperament), SJ (Guardian Temperament), NF (Idealist Temperament), and NT (Rational Temperament) respectively. Where the Jungian typology uses Jungian functions in its matchmaking, Keirsey instead uses temperaments in his matchmaking, saying SP-Artisans and SJ-Guardians want each other while NF-Idealists and NT-Rationals want each other.
Keirsey then goes on to list the specific cross-temperament matches that he regards as optimal for each type. He does this according to the formula below.
Keirsey’s Formula
Opposites attract but the perceiving function (that’s S or N) must be the same.
Keirsey’s Results
INFP (Idealist) and ENTJ (Rational)
INFJ (Idealist) and ENTP (Rational)
ENFJ (Idealist) and INTP (Rational)
ENFP (Idealist) and INTJ (Rational)
ESTJ (Guardian) and ISFP (Artisan)
ISFJ (Guardian) and ESTP (Artisan)
ESFJ (Guardian) and ISTP (Artisan)
ISTJ (Guardian) and ESFP (Artisan)
Now here we have some pairings that you would probably never see from a classic Jungian typology scholar. That’s because Please Understand Me does not operate with the Jungian system of dominant functions for each type which we looked into earlier. In some cases, disregarding the system of dominant functions has largely no consequences on the recommended matches but in other instances this brings Keirsey into a direct clash with the classic Jungian system.
The disputed matches are ENTJ-INFP, ENFJ-INTP, ESTJ-ISFP, and ESFJ-ISTP. As you can see, the problem is still with whom you match the eight types that use either T or F as their dominant function.
Eva’s Model
Finally, I want to present to you a third model seems to be catching on amongst a lot of people lately. It was coined by a friend of mine and I will refer to it as Eva’s Model in recognition of her. Although I do not completely agree with this system I must say that it does have a certain beautiful logic to it and people seem to be acknowledging the model’s verisimilitude in several different contexts.
Here, exactly half the results are in concordance with both Personality Page and Keirsey while the other half end up contradicting Keirsey while aligning themselves with Personality Page’s recommendations.
Eva’s Formula
1: Like Personality Page, the dominant function should be shared by both members of the couple. The functions should be oppositely directed, that is, Introverts go with Extroverts and vice versa.
2: Like Keirsey, the perceiving function (that’s S or N) must be the same for both members of the couple.
3: Unlike Keirsey, the judging function (that’s F or T) must then differ, if possible.
Eva’s Results
ENTJ-INTP (Dominant Thinking – different F and T not possible)
ESTJ-ISTP (Dominant Thinking – different F and T not possible)
ENFJ-INFP (Dominant Feeling – different F and T not possible)
ESFJ-ISFP (Dominant Feeling – different F and T not possible)
ENTP-INFJ (Dominant Intuition – F and T differing)
ENFP-INTJ (Dominant Intuition – F and T differing)
ESTP-ISFJ (Dominant Sensing – F and T differing)
ESFP-ISFJ (Dominant Sensing – F and T differing)
As you can see, half the types do not have the possibility of crossing over and are thus prevented from meeting condition #3 above. That’s because half the types also use their judging function (F or T) as their dominant function. In these cases condition #1 and #2 jointly overrule condition #3.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with having a judging function dominate ones personality, though. In this case it merely prevents a T/F-crossover which, according to this theory, makes for a slightly less colourful relationship. As the suppositions behind E’s model would have it, the benefits of a T/F relationship would be the property, that each member of the couple has his or her own “sphere of assertion” so speak: The Thinker says “this is our truth” and the Feeler says “these are our values”. This setup has each member of the T/F relationship contributing to a different sphere within the relationship, thereby ensuring a certain measure of equality as compared to the T/T or the F/F relationships where both members of the couple are competing for influence within a single sphere.
Evaluation
In discussing these I’d say that I think you need to allow some elbow room for your personal history to exert its influence on your choice of partner, even when matchmaking through the Jungian typology. You probably know two or more persons of the same type. Ask yourself: How identical are these two persons really? Sure, there may be a lot of conceptual similarities but once you look at the tangible manifestations of these similarities you’ll probably see that their preferences manifest themselves in different ways. One ISTP might like Chess while another likes Backgammon, one ISTP might like crime novels where the other likes historical fiction, one might like redheads where the other likes blondes, and one might like cuddly, vulnerable women while the other likes headstrong, methodical women.
As such, I find it problematic to talk about just one optimal match; as every psychologist can tell you, we are bound to form idiosyncratic psychological preferences during our formative years. These preferences lie outside of the Jungian typology model while still affecting the individual psyche including, quite possibly, its romantic orientation and compatibility as well. For instance, I personally find the thought of an intellectual partner very sexy although, obviously, not everybody does
Now, as we have seen, Keirsey’s model and E’s model do not leave any room for personal preference beyond what they believe to be “written in the stars” typologically. In other words they allow only one match per type and sure; you might argue that one preference is relative you could start arguing that all preferences are really just relative, ultimately discarding typology entirely. To me, that would be like saying that if you apply A you must also apply B, C, D, E… the entire alphabet. A common fallacy, really; it’s much like saying that if you believe in imprisonment as a punishment for crimes you must always applaud the life sentence, no matter the crime.
What I want to do is to trim away whatever parts of a theory you could reasonably regard as theory for theory’s sake. Odds are that if you are reading this article you are probably already somewhat picky about your choice of romantic partner anyway.
As I explained above, Keirsey recommends a T/F-crossover for all his matches while E. recommends it 50 % of the time. In their eyes, a T/F-crossover is thought to prevent a power struggle within a given relationship, giving each member a sphere to dominate. It must be noted, however, that society, and particularly Western society, is structured in such a manner that the domain of Thinking all too often supersedes the domain of Feeling. So while the T/F-difference might in theory decentralize the power structure of any given relationship, the reality will all too often see the Thinker laying down the headlines of the relationship and the Feeler being left with whatever morsels the Thinker cannot immediately incorporate into his or her system of thought. Hence I do not view the absence of a T/F-crossover as a detractor at all.
I do on the other hand agree that a romantic partnership where S or N is not the same for both members of the couple is likely to end up with one or both members of the couple feeling deprived somewhere down the road. – Even if the types with a dominant T or F function do have an easier time surmounting the S/N schism than the types with a dominant S or N function.
To me, the Judging/Perceiving makeup of a given relationship is largely inconsequential as far as the concerns for the well-being of a relationship go. A difference in this dimension, with one Judger and one Perceiver, is probably preferable but ultimately also unnecessary if both members of the relationship are willing to put some effort into the relationship and their respective personal development. It should then constitute an interesting and by no means insurmountable challenge.
Again, of course it is true that type alone does not in itself determine if two people make a good match. Far from it. The above systems are the ones that have been observed and postulated by professionals in the field.
Categories: Psychology
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I am of INTP personality and I find that I am very attracted to people that have ENTJ personality
Great article
that was great.
I’m INFP and I have been mostly attracted (personality-speaking) to ENFPs (mostly), ESFJs (some that are less dependent on others), INFJs (actually, only know 1), and INTJs (are you sure they make up less than 1%? I know too many). I only know one confirmed ENFJ and she talks way too much, though I am one of few who can understand what she’s saying.
Now that I’ve read this, I’m curious to know more confirmed ENFJs and ENTJs (according to Keirsey).
I am an INFP, and some of the most important people in my life have been ENFJs, including one of my best friends, one of my closest cousins, and my ex-boyfriend, whom I was dating for 4 years. I see eye-to-eye with ENFJs and love them. I definitely agree that they are the most optimal match for INFPs.
As far as the Keirsey model goes, my dad is an ENTJ, and I once dated an ENTJ. I love my dad and connect more with him than my ISTJ mom, but he’s way too “all business all the time.” The ENTJ I dated (by the way, this relationship was much shorter than the aforementioned one) was very similar. I think ENTJs can be a bit self-centered, always planning a schedule for themselves, whether you like it or not. For a romantic relationship to work, I’ve realized I need my partner to have the NF, and more specifically the dominant Fe that ENFJs have.
Rachel: I think that ENTJ-INFP mach is ideal if people in relationship are strong and mature. INFP are feminine, loving feelers and ENTJ’s are masculine, dominant rationals. Every type have good and bad sides. INFP lack logic and ENTJ can teach you this. ENTJ lack showing and understanding their feelings and I guess INFP can easly help them. I think that happines>comfort and that is the reason that is good match. ENTJ-INTP; INFP-ENFJ are too easy.
Sorry for my bad English I am not native speaker
I’m ENFJ and would never date anyone who’s not IxFx. Not interested in a thinking type at all!
I am INFJ, and I am very happily married to an ENTP.
If ENTJs or ENFJs are my type, then I’m pretty much out of luck. I don’t really ever come across either. But ENTPs tend to gravitate towards me for some reason. I’ve come across quite a few, even though they are supposed to be pretty rare, too! I’m an INTP by the way.
I’m an INTP but I dislike ENTJs and ESTJs because I don’t get along with aggressive, leader-like types due to ODD and I can’t be with an ENFJ because I can’t stand to even talk to a Feeler, so I’m just SOL?
Thank you for sharing this information with us!
I’m with commenter Nick above: I wouldn’t date anyone who isn’t IxFx, despite the fact that, as an ENFP, my perfect match is supposed to be INTJ. I have a very hard time relating to Thinkers, and I feel as though they never “get” me. Consequently, all 3 of my Thinker friends are Extroverts with whom I share mostly just social activities, rather than thoughts, feelings, and ideas.
What you said here might be the reason:
“… we are bound to form idiosyncratic psychological preferences during our formative years. These preferences lie outside of the MBTI model while still affecting the individual psyche including, quite possibly, its romantic orientation and compatibility as well.”
I come from an entirely Feeling family and Feeling is the preference (of the four) that is furthest from the T/F dividing line. What’s more, my parents (ISFJ and INFP, married 30 years and counting!) cross the S/N chasm… which may explain why my sister (ISFP) and I are both attracted to Feelers with opposing perceiving functions.
Also, I was always closer to my Sensing mother growing up. Now my S friends and relationships outnumber my N relationships at least 3 to 1. For some reason, my relationships with fellow iNtuitives feel less dynamic… as if we are too deep in our own fantasy worlds to really relate to each other.
My best romantic relationship so far has been with an ISFP. We had deep Fi discussions and delighted in each other’s differing ways of looking at the world. My Ne and his Se both craved new and exciting experiences and we sought them out together. (Unlike the time when I dated an INFP… he bored me to tears because he never wanted to try anything new!)
I’m an ENFP and from my experience I get along best with ESFJs. The best girlfriend I’ve ever had was an ESFJ, and sometimes I’ll take an assessment and answer the questions the way I would want my ideal mate to answer, and it results in ESFJ all the time. ESFJs give ENFPs the affirmation that they desire. I am also extremely attracted to INTJs. I can spot an INTJ woman from a mile away, and there is always this INTENSE intellectual attraction to them. I just don’t have the patience to spend the time to open them up completely, and find myself getting impatient.
My Name is Auden Bovas Franco A; Tuticorin ,Tamil Nadu ,India… I am an INFP; male; age 28 ; DOB 5 -12- 1984; Interest- Lyric and Novel Plot writing ; Every day is a week end to me, explore on my own thoughts…
I am looking for ENFJ female soul partner for life … Face book account: http://www.facebook.com/audenbovasfranco.a
Contact Number +91 8124080619
intp here. i naturally get along with entps crazy well not so much entj’s. thats as best friends but im not sure about romantic type although i think it would translate. Exxx and Ixxx are definetely the best friends but I’m not sure about lovers. i know the best relationships among lovers is when they become friends first.
INTP female happily married to a ISFP for 20 years. He patiently and kindly listens to me, which is awesome. He connects me with my heart. When my analysis gets to deep, he is able to pull me up, and help move me on with a simple A HA moment. He is my Occam’s razor. I’m the idea person, he makes it happen.
I’m an infj and I’ve been in love with an entj for more than a decade. We are not together (for a few reasons) but we have no problem getting along with each other or loving each other as well. I believe the reason is because his inferior feeling function is rather developed which tones down a lot of that tough masculine energy. And I had developed my tertiary thinking function at the expense of the auxiliary feeling before I had met him, so perhaps it was easier to connect at first with all of these things at play.
I’m a INTJ female and I think my best match is a ENTP male. I really like ENFP males, their passion and the conversations we have, but I know that their lack of rationality would irritate me after a while in a relationship. I don’t have this problem with ENTP males. We always seem to understand each others motives and never take things to personal. We speak the same language and that makes it easier for me to trust their decisions or even give them a chance to lead.
Haha, we conducted a survey once. A lot of people agreed that the ENTP – INTJ match would be spectacular but at the same time most people also found it impossible along the lines of there being TWO Machiavellian overlords in the same relationship, haha: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUBVgfOgpA8
Haha, INTJ and in a relationship with a ENTP at the moment…we haven’t killed each other yet. I guess it’s a good sign.
Actually it has been quit fulfilling as we can exchange our few of the future, can be equals and encourage each other to reach even bigger goals in life.
Bravo!
I am an INTP female and I find ENTJ very attractive.
I think this article makes a lot of sense.
I am an INFP (66.25%), an INTP (63.75%), an ENFP (61.25%) and an INFJ (58.75%) and I mostly feel attracted to ISTP and ESTP woman.
ENTP with an ISTJ for 17 years (13 years married). Quite a challenge, but worth it!
I am an INFP female, and was married to an ENFJ, and dated a few other ENFJ’s as well. Though there have always been a strong understanding between myself and these ENFJ males, I always got annoyed with them, and left the relationship. They just talk too much! I recently dated an INFJ male and was so smitten. He complained of how introverted we were when we were together together, though I didn’t mind one bit.
I’m so sad that INFJ males are so rare… Can someone please start a personality-based dating site?
I’m not appalled you consider an E/I split a prerequisite for a happy romantic relationship, but I’m not convinced either. All you said about it is that you read many books that say it is so, but didn’t actually explain why it is so…so basically, it’s just take your word for it. Can you please further explain why the E/I split is a must-have when you earlier mentioned many dual introverted couples are quite happy together?
We copied the disclaimer to both start and end the article.
You are right: We are in effect just saying that these are the systems that have been mentioned in books and observed by professionals. As you can see, the piece was written some years ago. Romantic matches is no longer pertinent to our research interests.
What we will maintain of the piece is that the following pairings have been widely confirmed by observation by both us and others. For someone new to Jungian typology, that might be illuminating:
ENJ-INP
ESJ-ISP
ENTP-INFJ
ENFP-INTJ
ESTP-ISFJ
ESFP-ISFJ
***
But to others, who know more, perhaps not so much. Again, two important reservations: (1) We are not saying that because there is an overall tendency of fruitful type pairings then this pattern must apply to all happy couples. And (2) We cannot say why the E/I split tends to be widely associated with a happy romantic match, only make conjectures.
Having made these two reservations, we will attempt to answer your question. To give you the example that we are personally the most acquainted with, we postulate that the ENTP-INFJ match, all else being equal, is the recommended one. The instance of I-I relationships which we know the best is the INTP-INFJ. We know several such pairings, some happy, others not. A pattern in most of them, however, is that the INFJ will, in the long run, miss the conscious deployment of Feeling in their partner (INTPs having inferior Feeling), as well as simply missing someone to pull them out of their own heads and secure boundaries and out into the external world.
We do not wish to be coy. What we have said above is merely a generalization based on our experience. But of course, we don’t know the actual people that you, or the people in your life, do. And there are other things to a person besides type
I´m a ENFP male and just the thought of being paired up with an INTJ just makes me sick because of how I experience communication with them, sure it could be alot of fun but I just can´t relate to a deeper level. Thou I had a gf once that was an ENFJ and it was sooo close to be the perfect match thou in the long run I guess the equal extraverted senses torned the relationship appart. I´ve read alot on INFJ and just reading about them makes my belly all butterflyish. I can´t recall I´ve ever met anyone.. Yeah how about a MBTI dating site? That would be awsome!
I would like to know the theory behind Socionics. There, my best match is the EsTJ, my duel. I am an Infj. This is so confusing! But irl, Estj’s do seem to be my favorite type and so much better than me and wildly attractive.
I am an INTJ female, and I’m dating an INFJ man! I find it really funny that I see no mention of our pair. I guess you could make the argument we’re too similar, but for now we love it. We can spend hours talking about all our inner thoughts, which is pretty extensive. Sometimes we talk ourselves into headaches, but it’s better than no talking at all!